back into not happy about things mood.
Even last year at this time I was so incredibly dense about everything. I somehow thought that things would remain somewhat the same. That everything and everyone involved in my life was important enough to me and that i was important enough to them to keep our close friendships. Since September everything has changed dramatically. I'm trying to pinpoint where I went wrong, and why I feel so very horrible about myself at the current moment. Was being myself enough of a reason for everyone to stop talking to me? Aren't you supposed to be yourself, after all?? I'm trying to think about whether or not I've alienated people because of Matt. I don't think I have at all, because I wasn't the only one not calling people to do stuff. Not once did any of my old friends try to hang out with me. Maybe because we're all so busy, but it hurts. Am I that terrible a person that the people I spent so much time with don't even want to TRY to make plans?

Things are so different now. And I can't go back. I don't even want to go back. I just want to stop having bad feelings. They need to go away.

The lack of Kacy and Matt at the same time has given me the time I hadn't had to realize these things. I don't even know what to do. Things are just going to continue getting more and more different and is all of what I'm doing now just going to change again? If so, what's the point? I need to somehow feel good enough about myself again to realize that it will be ok, and that change is good. Right now I have very little to hold on to.

Posted by Maleta at 10:28 p.m.