my head is crowded today.
After spending all morning, and early afternoon reading a book about this girl in high school who Eleanor said is exactly like me, I decided to go on-line and talk to real people. Yeah. On-line to talk. My social skills need to be primped, I think. Turns out no one is on, or no one who IMs me is on, so time to write. To release. To vent. Here goes.

This book, Sloppy Firsts, is very addicting. It's one of those books that I will finsih within 48 hours of beginning. I realize that this girl is me, or was me, when Eleanor knew me best. It's very amusing. I'm hoping I've changed, though. At least a little. A little bit more focused outward than inward, but I'm realizing as I write more and more about myself that this probably isn't true. Either way, I'm glad I still enter Eleanor's mind every now and then. Even if it is because of a good book about a crazy neurotic chick, haha.

As I was brushing my teeth today, for the 4th time, (when I'm home all day, hygiene gets to be important), I began to realize how my mind has been far from focused on things I think of as important issues. I have become a 15 year old again. At least at times. I'm pouty, and expect that my boyfriend should be able to fill my world with happiness and glamour. I'm finally realizing that this is not the case, I will never be truly happy with him until I am happy with myself, blah blah blah. And of course my friendships with other people keep changing and altering so much that I can't keep up with it. Most of these people I know are going away and I've accepted that already and have stopped seeing them already. I wonder if I ever would have been friends with them if I knew it would be over like this. Here I am talking not about Kacy, or Eleanor, or Freda, but the guy friends I had spent many a nights with just hanging out in attics and walking around with. Or going to movies with. If I knew they'd be simply background pieces to a life I used to have, would I have spent so much time with them?

I guess that is why you aren't allowed to see the future. Because people like myself would simply say, "What's the point?" and never give anything a chance.

Ah. Also. I've realized for the thousandth time what a great person my mother is. If it weren't for her, I'd not be going to college. I can't deal witht the details of shit like this, so she handles it all. I'm so grateful for that. Earlier today I'm yelling at her because I don't know how to navigate the stupid college website and she sits there patiently realizing that I'm crazy but that it still needs to get done. She takes over, and everything gets resolved. Why is she so good at things like that? Will I ever be able to handle things such as paperwork and crap? After these past 5 years of me being a teenager, the simple fact that she still wants to deal with me is amazing. I'm recalling little details about our shopping trips when I was in middle school, and I would have killed me if I were her. I'd change my mind about what I wanted a thousand times, when clothes aren't even that important. Will I ever be able to deal with someone with such selflessness as she has?? Maybe if I'm obligated to. Who knows.

blahblahblah...more later.

Posted by Maleta at 2:42 p.m.